Overheard in my life... Taken out of context edition

• "Do you not know that I'm Asian?!" "well, did they say anything yesterday?"
• "Do you think the macaroni is really hollow?" "SOMEONE GIVE ME A BABY"
• "Best Urination Station in the Nation" "The Big Pee at the Big E"
• "Alright ladies, we've got a full house here, and all we need is a flush.... oh you got that poker joke, huh?"
• "Sit back and relax, just don't be in such a rush that you forget to flush"
• "Lo is not the right answer! Cain means Lo!"
• "This is maybe my favorite conversation we've had in 2010 DUH"

Overheard In My Life: Super Random Edition

 Why no picture of the collar?NUH UH

"Ever since you did my oil change, my daughter got pregnant"

"Shaw's for produce? No wonder you ended up with a Granny Smith!"

"This jacket says [EM] on the tag" "Yes, because its mine! Not yours." "UH!"

"All I know is, he stinks on ice!"

"I feel like Donny Osmond, or a magician or something, and you're my assistant.... and thats why we're dressed the same"

 I want one..awww

Life's Little Lessons

1.  No matter how nice you are, or how you and your family have been through a lot lately, I WILL judge you if you sneeze into your hand and I see it.  I will judge you more and be convinced you've made me sick if you sneeze into your hand, immediately pick up paper and hand it to me.  Sneezing into your hand is only acceptable if you immediately wash your hands (with soap!) after... otherwise, follow nursing rules- sneeze into your elbow!

2. Speaking of washing your hands... if you don't wash your hands after using the restroom, and I catch you, I will think you are gross.  I probably won't let that feeling go either.  Same goes for people who fake wash.  Oh, what? Yes, I see/hear you, you "this sink is automatic so I will just wave my hand near the sensor, let people hear the water, and then run out of the room" or you "I'll just rinse a finger quickly under water and people will think I washed".  Whats so hard about washing your hands?

3. My next residence will be chosen based on the following requirements: kitchen counter space and lighting, carpet and central air.  I am so sick of being hot.  Bring on fall!

4.  I have zero interest in unsolicited life advice, especially that in which I am called an idiot. THREE times.

5.  I should write posts as I think of them and then just schedule when they post.  That would make sense, and provide more for your reading pleasure.

6.  I am finally beginning to read "Animal, Vegetable, Miracle" on a recommendation from a genius friend. Sustainability is amazing.

I will talk to myself through you, don't worry

I have taken to calling Facebook the greatest, most amazing, waste of time ever created.... whenever it is brought up, and especially to those who do not partake. Yeah, apparently people like that exist.

Ever notice that people have conversations through comments on status updates?

Have YOU ever?  With someone else?  With yourself/

Oh, having a conversation with yourself through someone else's status update is hilarious, magical and absolutely noteworthy.  It also allows middle sister to facebook chat with you in uppercase (with a million exclamation points) that because she had also commented on that same status message, her blackberry was beeping every time I left a post.  Naturally, it made me leave more. Why ask for it?  I don't have a blackberry, I'm not sure what BBM stands for, and I am devastatingly disconnected from the world whenver not in front of a computer.... I WILL shove my disconnect in your face, should you entice me.

Smallest sister's status message was:  What do you mean the first half of Breaking Dawn won't be out till November 2011.. thats simply not acceptable.

Middle sister: likes this..

Middle sister's friend: wtf?

Middle sister: Yes cuz since they split it in 2 they had to renegotiate all the contracts cuz they were only for 4 movies and had to change it to 5

Smallest sister: lame.

Me: i'm tired.

Me: VOTE ORANGE

Me:. helllloooooooooooo. I need to clean my house so friends can come over and we can eat lobster. that we cooked ourselves. after racing them against each other. b/c thats what people where I "live" do. wooo.

Me:. ps- small sister. do you NOT have a job? how are you on facebook mid day.

Smallest sister: im at work but don't have much to do..

Smallest sister: better question is don't you have a job?..

Me: I DO! and apparently it was go home 4 hours early day! Middle sister, beep!(is that the sound a bb makes?)

And this is what said lobsters looked like.  Once they were cooked, I was too busy getting messy to take most pictures, but they were red and delicious as most lobsters are.

This was the only boy lobster... and he was feisty, and the biggest too. Kept trying to jump off the counter we had him on... he just wanted to win the race against the big red banded one in the front of the picture above.

Oh, hello there: No Sorries

I just realized its been nearly 2 full weeks since my last post.  I also just realized that if I continue to "apologize"(and not really mean it of course) for not posting regularly, its going to get old.  But really, if Vittoria is back and better than ever, I'm going to have to start to get religious about this.  Although not really, but all of the sudden I felt very passionate about that.

Ok LOTS to say.

Here's what I've been up to... in case you care.

1.  Zyrtec is GOOD.  Worst allergy season ever, eh?  I was the cheerleader at cheer camp in high school who was approached by the camp leaders to question me about doing drugs.  I had barely had my growth spurt yet at about 5'2 and was still wearing Limited Too clothes. In HS, and they thought I was on drugs.  Why? Oh, my eyes were bloodshot, swollen and I was pretty loopy.  Right, we were also in the cornfields of Pennsylvania=hello allergens.  I have been pretty shocked for about 2 months as to why I've only coughed once or twice, why I'm able to wear contacts and why I am not attached to a tissue box.  Then my throat and ear tubes became "dysfunctional" (ask my dr. she used that exact term). Apparently THAT is how I'm affected by the worst allergy season ever. Lovely.

2. VITTORIA IS BACK. And I missed her.  Oh, you missed her too? Well I'm one of her "real life friends(jealz?!)", so multiply your missage by a couple and thats me. Yay for seeing her in a week and a half though.

3.  Jen Lancaster's 5th book came out.  I finally started reading it this week.   Start with "Bitter is the new black" and go from there.  You can borrow mine.  Everyone should be reading her work.  I carried "My Fair Lazy" around the office one day and introduced 2 new people to the world that is Jennsylvania.  Honestly? She uses "stabby" as a descriptive feeling.  As in, "she's making me feel all stabby". Heart.

4. Was at that specialty-ish grocery store again.  Picked up 2 crabs.  THIS time (of course, because now I know) fish counter man says "would you like me to 'clean' them for you?"... (after the conversation I just had with bf about if he would do my dirty work again and he was a little bit psyched to do it).  I ran and checked with him and he looked sad, so I asked fish counter man to leave them as is and I will take them home.  We get home and...? crabs are dead. Legit.  I actually called the store to make sure they were still safe to eat.  I'm not one with food.

5.  ITS FRESH FRUIT SEASON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I am so excited to, it better be soon, have a free weekend day to go strawberry picking.  Its one of the only fruits that I love but have yet to pick my own. (of the varieties, that you know, you actually can at a pyo place)

6.  Any good little Jews out there?  I thought I was going crazy when, last summer, the Black Eyed Peas released "I Got A Feeling" (Is that its name?) and I kept hearing a Hebrew word in the background.  NO, not "Mazel Tov", I'm no moron.. everyone with hearing capacity knows those words are in that song, thanks.  I kept hearing "L'Chaim".  If you don't, listen again.  Its at the chorus part where they say a word loudly and then it sounds like a techno beat is echoing.  They say "MAZEL TOV!" then, in a techno beat "L'Chaim".  I only recently, (its been out how long?) actually Googled the lyrics, and I'm right. Thanks songwriters, you make me smile.

7. I came home from work the other day, sent bf a gchat message saying "are you coming home". 36 minutes later, the following comes through on gchat.  Definitely "Shiz my boyfriend says" (courtesy of LiLu, yes I read your blog ;-) material.  Totally reminds me of "monkey monkey underpants", which is still one of the greatest TV lines, to me at least).
6:20 PM BF: I'm walking
On the street
6:21 PM What are you doing
Are you even there
I'm thirsty
Dooooo doooo
6:22 PM Walking
6:23 PM I spy with my little eye...something blue
Walking
Ooo I smell grilling
I see the smoke now
6:24 PM I'm hungry
A dog!
Crossing the street
I like the shade
Lexus
6:25 PM I stepped in something sticky
The sun is bright
Shade
Bright
Shade
Bright
6:26 PM Shade
I don't appreciate the color of thay house
A dog!
6:27 PM What's the point of plastic swans
A dog!
6:28 PM Police car, act natural
Crossing the street
Crows are talking to each other
I have an itch
This grass is really a lovely green
6:29 PM They must use chemicals
An orange car. Hm.
6:30 PM Baby crying
I see the house
There's your car, so you are home just not listening to me
Stupid flower touched me
6:31 PM Are you going to open the door?
Knocking
Hi

8. If I posted more, these wouldn't be so long. I'll think about it.

Overheard In My Life: Asian Edition

1.  A Chinese woman (with a thick accent) that I met while at city hall was about 5 weeks away from retiring after working there for almost 25 years.  A coworker asked if her husband would also be retiring and what they would do:  "No, he needs work. He will not retire. His money is MY money, and my money is MY money".

2. When trying to decide on an Asian restaurant for dinner with my Korean friend:
Friend: "Have you been to [this place]? It's authentic and it's cheap too! Like each entree is generally under $10. It's so authentic that most are cash only, I think, ha!"
me: "I'm pretty sure by 'authentic' not taking credit cards, you mean 'tax evaders'"
Friend: "Yes, tax evaders. Sounds pretty authentically Asian to me."