This was supposed to be posted 2 days ago, when I wrote it. So it might be dated. I'm only a little sorry.
Once upon a time, I was a journalism major. Knowing that, here are my thoughts on today's THRILLING cnn.com headlines. (full discretion: Only 60% of the time do I actually read articles. Headlines matter. Yes, I also judge books by their covers.)
On the oil: "Gulf of Mexico oil spill worst in U.S. history" Wait, but its not worst in the world? Do something. Patches only fix leaky tires for so long, use that theory and find a new plan. The morning show host said it best "Want to hear Toyota's thoughts on their latest recall? 'did you hear there's an oil spill in the Gulf?"
On the Internet: "We're running out of Internet addresses" Awesome, and no, we're not. Your article itself says so. And thanks for updating that article to read IP addresses. The first version described the ability to run out of websites.
On body snatching: "My life as a 'body-snatcher' in Thailand" I was strangely drawn to this article and it was nothing like I expected. Yes, I expected a real life Boba Fett.
On the paint: "Paint for road stripes runs out" HAHAHAHAHAHA. sorry.
On the Sun: "Indoor tanning boosts cancer risks" Hey CNN, 1975 called, they want their news back.
On the farm: "Farmville coming to Yahoo!" Oh great. Another generation of unproductive youth. and future employees.
Wow. I don't know what else to say.
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
An Ode to Love
Most women know and expect at a young age to find real, true love. They imagine cold rainy days made warm, magical adventures, tuxedos and white gowns. Homes and lives of their dreams come true because they found the one person they were meant to be with.
Most women also know that they will end up having a few great loves. I’m not talking Big v. Aiden here. No, I’m talking Crispy v. Pretzel.
In high school, our vending machine (oh the horror, don’t judge middle upper class NJ suburbia please, we do it for you) one day had M&Ms in a BLUE wrapper. BLUE! The color I just voted to add to the traditional selection, BLUE! How could I not buy it? It didn’t have any sort of nut, and it wasn’t dark chocolate so I was in. I reached into the machine, pulled it out and tried something called “Crispy M&Ms”.
Always the Twizzler, never the true chocolate lover (lactarded), Crispy M&Ms and I lived a great life together. For a few short years, until Mars Inc. put it on the discontinued list. Sadness overwhelmed as I searched for the few last remaining packages in stores as they opened the last cases.
About two years ago, I stopped into a little convenience store to pick up a local paper. At the register I noticed the divine blue packaging staring back. Immediate thoughts entered “BUY NOW” “YOU NEED” “EAT” “Umm those were definitely discontinued years ago” “Dust settling=those have been here for years” “DO IT ANYWAY”. I bought the last 4 or 5 packs. Just as delicious as I remember, and no, I had no interest in checking the best buy date.
Cue last week at CVS.
THE BLUE BAGS ARE BACK. This time, not a rice crispy, nope. A PRETZEL. Even better. There are significantly less M&Ms in a package because the pretzel is large. What sayeth? These M&Ms are healthy! (ha) Less M&Ms=less fat=less bad stuff=no stomach ache=happy me!!
Even the wrapper is adorable. A little scared orange M&M holding an x-ray screen to reveal a pretzel. How can you not try it?
I bought 1 bag. I loved it and only ate half to savor it again later. Ate the rest the next morning. Went to CVS, found out they were on sale for $.49. Left with 11 bags.
This can’t end well.
Dear Mars, don’t break my heart again.
Most women also know that they will end up having a few great loves. I’m not talking Big v. Aiden here. No, I’m talking Crispy v. Pretzel.
In high school, our vending machine (oh the horror, don’t judge middle upper class NJ suburbia please, we do it for you) one day had M&Ms in a BLUE wrapper. BLUE! The color I just voted to add to the traditional selection, BLUE! How could I not buy it? It didn’t have any sort of nut, and it wasn’t dark chocolate so I was in. I reached into the machine, pulled it out and tried something called “Crispy M&Ms”.
Always the Twizzler, never the true chocolate lover (lactarded), Crispy M&Ms and I lived a great life together. For a few short years, until Mars Inc. put it on the discontinued list. Sadness overwhelmed as I searched for the few last remaining packages in stores as they opened the last cases.
About two years ago, I stopped into a little convenience store to pick up a local paper. At the register I noticed the divine blue packaging staring back. Immediate thoughts entered “BUY NOW” “YOU NEED” “EAT” “Umm those were definitely discontinued years ago” “Dust settling=those have been here for years” “DO IT ANYWAY”. I bought the last 4 or 5 packs. Just as delicious as I remember, and no, I had no interest in checking the best buy date.
Cue last week at CVS.
THE BLUE BAGS ARE BACK. This time, not a rice crispy, nope. A PRETZEL. Even better. There are significantly less M&Ms in a package because the pretzel is large. What sayeth? These M&Ms are healthy! (ha) Less M&Ms=less fat=less bad stuff=no stomach ache=happy me!!
Even the wrapper is adorable. A little scared orange M&M holding an x-ray screen to reveal a pretzel. How can you not try it?
I bought 1 bag. I loved it and only ate half to savor it again later. Ate the rest the next morning. Went to CVS, found out they were on sale for $.49. Left with 11 bags.
This can’t end well.
Dear Mars, don’t break my heart again.
Have Yet To Forget
I know, “Where have you been?” I get it, thanks. I was busy getting ready and psyching myself up for a long weekend jam-packed with family activities, a la Tanner Family Fun Night. But thats over now. Let wasting time at work writing blog posts commence. (only blogging is blocked, so posts are updated when free Verizon minutes kick in. get it? nights and weekends. oh boy)
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Ciao on Mother's Day
Dear Mom,
I know that you like flowers. Which is why we sent you some. With that, I find a need to apologize. When I finished college and moved into an apartment, you sent me a plant. You made it seem like everyone should have some sort of plant in their living space, to keep the air "fresh". I put this plant, a corn plant by the way, near a window which happened to be directly under the heating and cooling vents. I remembered every month or so to water it, and we somehow managed to co-exist. I even got excited when a new little bud started to sprout from the "trunk".
Over the next three years that plant became a thorn in my side. I would always forget to water it (as I promised I would forget to do upon first opening the pro-flowers box), and in the winter I would always forget to open the blinds during the day.
At year 3, I apologize for having to move it to my new residence in this manner:
(yes, that is the front seat of a coupe, and the open sunroof. whatever, we only moved a mile or so)
Last fall when you came to visit, you tried to take care of that plant. You removed all brown leaves and trimmed brown edges, adjusted it near the window and even washed the leaves. You said it was happier.
One week later, I was given an orchid as a present. I kept the orchid in the kitchen until the flowers fell off and moved it near the corn plant when it went into winter mode. Less then 3 months later (so not normal) the orchid bloomed and flourished. It was only barely getting warm and I had 6 orchid buds ready to bloom. I noticed at this time the corn plant started to brown.
I called and you didn't take me seriously when I said the evil orchid sucked the life out of the corn plant. Google returned no matching searches either.
I even asked if you wanted it to rehab it. You said I should re-pot it (please, like I know how to do that). At this point, the soil in the pot was still wet. I hadn't watered it in 3 weeks, so obviously that was not good.
Now, the orchid looks like this:
And the corn plant looks like this:
So now, my very ungreen thumb and I ask you, how to dispose of a dead corn plant?
Sorry, mom.
-Elle.
PS- when puppies are hungry, or sick, they tell you. I can totally take care of a puppy. Plants are not a "test run".
I know that you like flowers. Which is why we sent you some. With that, I find a need to apologize. When I finished college and moved into an apartment, you sent me a plant. You made it seem like everyone should have some sort of plant in their living space, to keep the air "fresh". I put this plant, a corn plant by the way, near a window which happened to be directly under the heating and cooling vents. I remembered every month or so to water it, and we somehow managed to co-exist. I even got excited when a new little bud started to sprout from the "trunk".
Over the next three years that plant became a thorn in my side. I would always forget to water it (as I promised I would forget to do upon first opening the pro-flowers box), and in the winter I would always forget to open the blinds during the day.
At year 3, I apologize for having to move it to my new residence in this manner:
(yes, that is the front seat of a coupe, and the open sunroof. whatever, we only moved a mile or so)
Last fall when you came to visit, you tried to take care of that plant. You removed all brown leaves and trimmed brown edges, adjusted it near the window and even washed the leaves. You said it was happier.
One week later, I was given an orchid as a present. I kept the orchid in the kitchen until the flowers fell off and moved it near the corn plant when it went into winter mode. Less then 3 months later (so not normal) the orchid bloomed and flourished. It was only barely getting warm and I had 6 orchid buds ready to bloom. I noticed at this time the corn plant started to brown.
I called and you didn't take me seriously when I said the evil orchid sucked the life out of the corn plant. Google returned no matching searches either.
I even asked if you wanted it to rehab it. You said I should re-pot it (please, like I know how to do that). At this point, the soil in the pot was still wet. I hadn't watered it in 3 weeks, so obviously that was not good.
Now, the orchid looks like this:
And the corn plant looks like this:
So now, my very ungreen thumb and I ask you, how to dispose of a dead corn plant?
Sorry, mom.
-Elle.
PS- when puppies are hungry, or sick, they tell you. I can totally take care of a puppy. Plants are not a "test run".
Friday, May 7, 2010
MMMM Tainted Seafood.
Vittoria sent me an e-mail telling me to watch the Daily Show. Apparently they were talking about how ridiculous it is to COVER an oil spill with a metal box.
I sent her an e-mail 2 days before that saying the exact same thing.
Dear John Stewart, I'm looking for a new job.
Also, in what way do these people really think this is going to work!? "OK, lets just cover it." "with...?" "A big, metal, BOX!" "yeah!"
Because you know, no one in history has ever moved, demolished or lifted a structure that a past generation left behind. In 200 years when people (yes I'm giving a lot of faith here thinking we will last another 200 years) are scanning the oceans and wonder why there is a GIANT box there, they WILL move it. Why? Because its human nature. What will they find? A colossal mess. Just as the ocean is finally almost done fixing itself from the first one.
I sent her an e-mail 2 days before that saying the exact same thing.
Dear John Stewart, I'm looking for a new job.
Also, in what way do these people really think this is going to work!? "OK, lets just cover it." "with...?" "A big, metal, BOX!" "yeah!"
Because you know, no one in history has ever moved, demolished or lifted a structure that a past generation left behind. In 200 years when people (yes I'm giving a lot of faith here thinking we will last another 200 years) are scanning the oceans and wonder why there is a GIANT box there, they WILL move it. Why? Because its human nature. What will they find? A colossal mess. Just as the ocean is finally almost done fixing itself from the first one.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Off-Color Thoughts: What went through my mind in the past 24 hours.
-Walking out of Target, there was that amazing snake of red carts that the little cart retriever makes. We exited, red cart snake on the left, my car on other side of cart snake:
"I feel like the oil". (prompt funny looks from others here. When it was explained, and understood by others- "oh thats um... topical"). At least I think I'm funny. Does no one else read the news?
-"I cannot wait to go home and wash my hands, every single person in this building has dirty dirty hands. Its so gross". Co-worker looks at me funny and then realizes what I'm saying. Boil Water Order is set for most of the region I live in, including where I work. Soap and Water is turned off, giant santizing tubs in their place(in the restrooms). Gross.
-On wearing a Holter monitor (I'm fine, really, just let me believe it, you should too): "I feel like I'm wearing a bomb". Without skipping a beat, my aunt replies "Just don't go anywhere near Times Square".
.... Too soon?
"I feel like the oil". (prompt funny looks from others here. When it was explained, and understood by others- "oh thats um... topical"). At least I think I'm funny. Does no one else read the news?
-"I cannot wait to go home and wash my hands, every single person in this building has dirty dirty hands. Its so gross". Co-worker looks at me funny and then realizes what I'm saying. Boil Water Order is set for most of the region I live in, including where I work. Soap and Water is turned off, giant santizing tubs in their place(in the restrooms). Gross.
-On wearing a Holter monitor (I'm fine, really, just let me believe it, you should too): "I feel like I'm wearing a bomb". Without skipping a beat, my aunt replies "Just don't go anywhere near Times Square".
.... Too soon?
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